On Second Thought, or Something Bigger – A Tale of Two Titles
I am a
cautious person by nature. I don’t just
think about the next move – I prefer to think two, three or four moves
ahead. That’s why my wife refuses to
play checkers with me – “You think too much”, she says. In some aspects of life that trait has served
me quite well. Sometimes though when
there is too much uncertainty in life, as with checkers, I just refused to
move. I have had many inspirational
thoughts that I have pondered into nothingness.
Second thoughts can lead to doubt; second thoughts can be fatal to
dreams.
I recognize
that God continues to chip away at is this very aspect of my spiritual
life. God wants me to abandon myself to
him. He has shown me this. He has told me this. He wants me to give up what I perceive,
foolishly most of the time, as control over my life. I must admit that it scares me at times; it
confuses me at times; and it has even made me angry at times. I’d block it from my mind completely if I
didn’t also admit that it excites me much of the time.
One of the
methods that I have found works for me when God wants to take me deeper than I
want to go is public commitment. When I
keep inspirations of faith within my heart time can bury that secret forever. But those times that I have spoken my
inspirations out loud - like with my marriage vows, and like with my promises
at ordination, are like taking the first step of the journey. The first step is always the hardest.
When they
announced that the annual Walk to Mary was canceled this year, I was inspired
to walk it as a solo pilgrimage. But I
began to have second thoughts. I know
from the five previous times I made the Walk that despite training and good
hiking shoes that my feet are prone to blisters. I know I am going to be stiff and sore for
several days. The initial allure of the
idea was wearing thin.
I meet with
a small group of men every week. In the
Cursillo Movement we call it a 4th Day Reunion group. We discuss where we encountered Christ in the
past week, what we are doing to deepen our study of the Catholic faith, and
what apostolic action we took or plan to take.
We continue to meet weekly via video conference even in this time of
‘safer at home’.
Everyone in
my group had been preparing for a Diocesan-wide consecration to St. Joseph to
be held on May 1st. I hadn’t
participated in the consecration because of some timing conflicts so I had felt
a little left out these past weeks as they had been discussing the spiritual
fruits they were already receiving in the preparation. During the call the Holy Spirit nudged me and
before I had time for a second thought I told them that I had been thinking
about doing the Walk to Mary on my own, but since I wanted to support them all
spiritually I promised them that I would walk on May 1st, and that I
would walk the route in reverse for them – from the Shrine of Our Lady of Champion
to the Shrine of St. Joseph on the campus at St. Norbert College. There.
I said it out loud.
Commitment. First step
taken. Second thoughts overcome.
On May 1st
Michelle drove me out to Champion early in the morning. I had mentioned my plan to Becky VanKauwenberg
on the Quad Parish Staff and she surprised me by meeting me at the Shrine. She said if I would send some pictures
throughout the day that she would post them on the parish Facebook page. People
could join the pilgrimage virtually.
Every time I
stopped to take and text her a photo, Becky shared prayer requests that people
had posted. All of a sudden, a planned
solo walk intended to support my small men’s group began lifting others up in
prayer. When I stopped for my first rest
I had to scroll down through the growing posts and prayers.
Michelle
walked out to meet me when I was about a mile away from SNC and she joined me
for end of the walk. It really helped to
have her walk along with me. Shortly
after I sent Becky a picture of the statue of St. Joseph at the end of my
pilgrimage, she sent me a screenshot of all of the supportive comments and
prayers of nearly 500 people who had participated virtually on the pilgrimage. Amazing.
This is how
God works. He can take our doubts, our
hesitation, our uncertainty, even our unwillingness and lead us through all of
that into something much bigger than ourselves, something much more beautiful
than we could ever have imagined.
On the drive
home I could feel rigor mortis setting in. Overworked muscles were tightening up and
stiffening up. I could feel my swelled
feet aching. I told Shelly that I
decided this would be the last time I did the Shrine-to-Shrine walk. The next day, Saturday morning, I had my
video call with my 4th Day group.
I had a chance to tell them about my experience. One of the guys said that next year he’d
really like to walk with me. Whoa! - I
wanted to stop him right there. In my
mind I already knew that there wasn’t going to be a walk for me next year. But on second thought . . .
His Peace
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